Everyday Grace

Searching for goodness in the ordinary

The Answer to Fear

Nov
28

photo: Nina Uhlikova

This post originally appeared on My Collision with Christ as a guest post, as part of a 7-week series on fear. You can find that series by clicking here

Here are a bunch of things I’m afraid of right this minute:

  • That I can’t write a real thing that will help real humans because I’m not a real writer
  • That I’m too big of a sinner to ever be qualified enough to tell anybody else what to do with their Christian life
  • That I won’t ever figure out my real calling, or worse, I don’t have one
  • That I won’t ever get to be a mama, a huge dream of mine since childhood
  • That a lot of people secretly don’t like me and just pretend they do
  • That I’m not thin or pretty enough
  • That I misheard God and I’m missing His will for my life
  • That heaven will be boring
  • That I’m always doing the wrong things
  • That my mouth is too sassy to be a good, sweet Christian girl
  • That I’m just too much and not enough at the same time
  • That I’m too big of a mess for God to fix

Just in case you were thinking, friend, that I am writing this from the other side, having come through the fire and now I am healed of all fear and totally free of all of this, and now I can instruct you on the way out and fix your mess in three easy steps and four payments of $19.99, I’m not and I can’t. (I just don’t have that Billy Mays swagger, may he rest in peace.) But I can sit here in the middle of the mess with you and maybe we can figure it out together. Maybe the answer is somewhere in admitting I don’t have the answer – and none of us really does – but Jesus. Let’s run toward Him together.

I grew up without my dad. I’ve never met him, heard his voice, or been the recipient of one of his hugs. He has never sent me a birthday card, called me on the phone, helped me loft my bed in college, or taught me how to change a flat tire. Instead, before I was born, he decided I wasn’t worth sticking around for, so he walked out on my mom and me before I drew even a single breath. As a result, I have always been afraid that maybe I am more leaveable than lovable. That maybe anyone who I let love me would eventually figure out that I’m not worth it and skip out, too. (more…)

No Happy Endings

May
28

photo: Lucas Allmann

When I was a little girl, I loved stories. My mom used to read to me all the time, and I learned to read at a pretty young age just by sitting with her and absorbing as she read to me. She read me a lot of stories from the Grimm brothers’ giant book of collected fairy tales, and the copy she had was so old and worn that it no longer had any covers. These stories didn’t always have happy endings, but the best ones did. The prince would show up, the princess would be rescued, the land would be healed, and all would be well. I don’t think the desire for a happy ending is limited to little kids. I think all of us secretly want and hope for a happy ending for ourselves, too – but if I’m being honest, I just don’t think happy endings exist. Let me explain. (more…)

Finding Your Brave and Living Yourself

Apr
30

photo: Tobi Dami

Can I be really honest and tender with you, friends? Sometimes I worry.

With each new thing I write, I worry that if I am my authentic self, it will offend you. I worry that I am not enough, and at the same time somehow, too much. I worry that I, not just the content of what I say, will be criticized for being too liberal, too conservative, too Christian, too heretical, not in line with this or that particular interpretation of the Scriptures. As a woman, I worry that even using my voice at all to teach or speak on God and the Bible will invite criticism from people who believe God only gives that ability to men. I worry that what I see in the Bible – an upside-down Gospel and a God who is impossibly in love with us, all of us, no exceptions – might contrast so sharply with what some folks have been taught that it will cause backlash and division if I speak up. I worry that I won’t be able to stand up for truth under the scrutiny. (more…)

Our Work // Unstuck

Apr
02

photo: Sebastian Voortman

Up until a couple of years ago I was teaching middle school, and a few times a year, we would attempt to gather 400 little bodies’ worth of preteen drama and potential into the gym for an adventure commonly known as an assembly. My absolute favorite one was at the end of the year, when we had the talent show and the school band would play. Our kidlets started band in 7th grade, so they were brand new at this and had a quarter of one clue how to play an instrument, but somehow the band director managed to make some magic out of their squeaks and honks so that it sounded sort of like a song or two.  (more…)