This post originally appeared on My Collision with Christ as a guest post, as part of a 7-week series on fear. You can find that series by clicking here.
Here are a bunch of things I’m afraid of right this minute:
- That I can’t write a real thing that will help real humans because I’m not a real writer
- That I’m too big of a sinner to ever be qualified enough to tell anybody else what to do with their Christian life
- That I won’t ever figure out my real calling, or worse, I don’t have one
- That I won’t ever get to be a mama, a huge dream of mine since childhood
- That a lot of people secretly don’t like me and just pretend they do
- That I’m not thin or pretty enough
- That I misheard God and I’m missing His will for my life
- That heaven will be boring
- That I’m always doing the wrong things
- That my mouth is too sassy to be a good, sweet Christian girl
- That I’m just too much and not enough at the same time
- That I’m too big of a mess for God to fix
Just in case you were thinking, friend, that I am writing this from the other side, having come through the fire and now I am healed of all fear and totally free of all of this, and now I can instruct you on the way out and fix your mess in three easy steps and four payments of $19.99, I’m not and I can’t. (I just don’t have that Billy Mays swagger, may he rest in peace.) But I can sit here in the middle of the mess with you and maybe we can figure it out together. Maybe the answer is somewhere in admitting I don’t have the answer – and none of us really does – but Jesus. Let’s run toward Him together.
I grew up without my dad. I’ve never met him, heard his voice, or been the recipient of one of his hugs. He has never sent me a birthday card, called me on the phone, helped me loft my bed in college, or taught me how to change a flat tire. Instead, before I was born, he decided I wasn’t worth sticking around for, so he walked out on my mom and me before I drew even a single breath. As a result, I have always been afraid that maybe I am more leaveable than lovable. That maybe anyone who I let love me would eventually figure out that I’m not worth it and skip out, too. (more…)